01 February 2012
Cruisin
I want to lighten up this blog a bit by announcing that Sheldon and I just booked a Caribbean cruise for April!!!! I am so excited! And so happy to have something to look forward to! We knew we had to do something special and fun and I think this will fit the bill. Woohoo!
30 January 2012
The Empty Blanket
So obviously I am having a mix of good and bad days. I am grateful that the good days so far have greatly outnumbered the bad. However, Friday was a bad day. Sunday was a bad day. Friday I think I was more emotional because Ember would have been one week old. Thinking about how things would be different had she lived really makes me sad. Clearly my life post partum has been completely opposite from when I had Asher. I never thought a quick recovery would make me feel guilty but it does. I know that if I were caring for a newborn on top of recovering from a c section I would be much more tired than I am. But my heart is aching for the midnight feedings, the cute little outfits, the precious newborn baths, the happy visits from friends and family. I never heard my baby cry. I wonder what her cry would have sounded like?
I don't know what prompted my emotion on Sunday. I didn't go to church. I am not physically ready, but also not yet emotionally ready to confront people and deal with questions or even looks of compassion. All I can say to express how I felt yesterday is that I MISS MY BABY. I miss her. I miss her so much I literally can hardly breath sometimes. It just feels wrong. Not in the eternal sense. I know there is a plan. But to have been pregnant with her for 8 months, to have delivered her and then held her in my arms and now NOT to have her with me feels unnatural. I guess because it is. I should have her with me right now. In the literal sense. Last night I just held the blanket we had her wrapped in while she was with us and I just cried. I examined the blanket for any sign that she had ever used it and I couldn't find anything. (I know that seems weird but I couldn't help myself.) She is gone. All I have is the empty blanket and my memories, which I cherish but it just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. I tried to cry quietly, but apparently that is impossible for me. Sheldon heard and found me upstairs crying next to the empty blanket. The poor guy did not know what to do. He folded up the blanket and put it away and sat down next to me where the blanket had been. That kind of annoyed me, but also gave me a sense of relief. He is really good at letting me cry and also letting me know he is here for me. I am very grateful to have Sheldon for a companion. His awkward presence was humorous and through the tears I said, "You don't know what to do, do you?" We both kind of laughed and it made me feel better. Honestly, there is really nothing that can be done. No amount of hugs or words can take the hurt away. I will still feel it and I will still mourn. But, knowing that he cares and wants to be there for me was all I needed from him in that moment.
I explained to him that there are times when my faith in God and His plan is enough to cover the pain, but last night it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to know that she will always be a part of our family. It wasn't enough to know that we will see her again. That everything happens for a reason. The pain just crept around that knowledge and settled its way in my heart to the point where I could not contain it. I just want her here with us right now and the fact that she isn't just leaves a hole in my life. I know that it will get easier with time, but right now it is not easy.
I could have recorded these feelings on a private blog I created for Ember back in October. But, I wanted to share them. I guess I want people to know what I am experiencing. I feel better today. I feel the same peaceful comfort that I have been relying on for the past week. It is an unexplainable feeling of comfort, but I know with out a doubt that it is the Holy Ghost comforting me because God loves me and because there are people praying for me. So, please don't stop. I really need the prayers because I really need the peace.
I don't know what prompted my emotion on Sunday. I didn't go to church. I am not physically ready, but also not yet emotionally ready to confront people and deal with questions or even looks of compassion. All I can say to express how I felt yesterday is that I MISS MY BABY. I miss her. I miss her so much I literally can hardly breath sometimes. It just feels wrong. Not in the eternal sense. I know there is a plan. But to have been pregnant with her for 8 months, to have delivered her and then held her in my arms and now NOT to have her with me feels unnatural. I guess because it is. I should have her with me right now. In the literal sense. Last night I just held the blanket we had her wrapped in while she was with us and I just cried. I examined the blanket for any sign that she had ever used it and I couldn't find anything. (I know that seems weird but I couldn't help myself.) She is gone. All I have is the empty blanket and my memories, which I cherish but it just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. I tried to cry quietly, but apparently that is impossible for me. Sheldon heard and found me upstairs crying next to the empty blanket. The poor guy did not know what to do. He folded up the blanket and put it away and sat down next to me where the blanket had been. That kind of annoyed me, but also gave me a sense of relief. He is really good at letting me cry and also letting me know he is here for me. I am very grateful to have Sheldon for a companion. His awkward presence was humorous and through the tears I said, "You don't know what to do, do you?" We both kind of laughed and it made me feel better. Honestly, there is really nothing that can be done. No amount of hugs or words can take the hurt away. I will still feel it and I will still mourn. But, knowing that he cares and wants to be there for me was all I needed from him in that moment.
I explained to him that there are times when my faith in God and His plan is enough to cover the pain, but last night it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to know that she will always be a part of our family. It wasn't enough to know that we will see her again. That everything happens for a reason. The pain just crept around that knowledge and settled its way in my heart to the point where I could not contain it. I just want her here with us right now and the fact that she isn't just leaves a hole in my life. I know that it will get easier with time, but right now it is not easy.
I could have recorded these feelings on a private blog I created for Ember back in October. But, I wanted to share them. I guess I want people to know what I am experiencing. I feel better today. I feel the same peaceful comfort that I have been relying on for the past week. It is an unexplainable feeling of comfort, but I know with out a doubt that it is the Holy Ghost comforting me because God loves me and because there are people praying for me. So, please don't stop. I really need the prayers because I really need the peace.
26 January 2012
Ember's story... summarized
I want to start off by saying that although the loss of baby Ember has been extremely difficult, I feel it has been made much easier by our faith in the plan of salvation and the loving prayers that have been offered by so many in our behalf.
On October 13 I had my 20 week ultrasound. Sheldon was still deployed to the Middle East, so my parents drove up to be with me for what we thought would be a day of happiness and celebration. The ultrasound was amazing. We were able to see little Ember move around and her little heart beating. I was so excited to find out we were having a girl. I was even able to receive a phone call from Sheldon after the ultrasound to let him know we were having a girl and that everything seemed fine. The only problem was that they had said that the doctor wanted to have a consult with me after the ultrasound. I brushed this off and assumed it was because I was high risk. Sheldon, however, was immediately concerned when I told him I was having a consult. He was right to be concerned.
After my call with Sheldon we were taken (my parents and I) to a consult room where the doctor explained to me that during the ultrasound they had seen that the baby has a neural tube defect called “anencephaly.” I had never heard of it, but my mom had given her nursing background. They had to describe to me that early on in the pregnancy her brain and scalp hadn’t developed completely and that babies with this condition cannot survive outside of the womb. Obviously I was devastated. I can easily say that was the worst moment of my life. There are really no words to describe my shock and sadness. I had been feeling her move for weeks. I had earlier ultrasounds in which everything had seemed fine. We had announced our pregnancy to all our family and friends. This was my baby. My precious baby we tried to conceive for 18 months. I had been extremely bonded with her from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t imagine losing her. I couldn’t imagine that there was anything wrong with her.
The next step was to tell Sheldon. I can honestly say I do not think I could have made it through my pregnancy with Ember had it not been for Sheldon’s unwavering faith and strength. I hated having to tell him the news over the phone while he was on the other side of the world. His reaction was sadness, but also a calming peace. We were able to work with the Red Cross to bring him home early from his deployment. He was with me within the next 48 hours. I have a much greater appreciation for the Red Cross since this experience. I found the people that work for them are incredibly compassionate, helpful and professional.
We had to decide if we were going to continue the pregnancy or terminate it. I tried to consider both options, but really never seriously considered terminating. I knew that if at any time my health were at risk I would be induced. I just knew that termination was not for me. I wanted as much time with my baby as I could get regardless of any complications or discomfort I would feel during the pregnancy. I knew that no matter what she looked like, or the health problems she had I loved her the same and could not treat her or the pregnancy any different than I otherwise would. That was the easiest and best choice I could have ever made. Very few people have questioned my decision to carry her full term and I am grateful for the respect that others have shown to me.
We made the decision to keep the details surrounding Ember’s health just within a small circle of people. I never thought I would be a private person, but this experience has shown me that some things are too personal to share publicly. I also knew that telling people about Ember would make them sad and uncomfortable. It is a horrible feeling to know that your reality has negatively affected someone else’s day. People usually didn’t know how to react or what to say, and I just wanted to avoid the awkwardness. I also think I wanted to protect Ember from any sort of judgment she might receive from those who might Google anencephaly. It is a disfiguring condition and I just didn’t want people to see my baby with that in mind. To me she is normal and beautiful and perfect and I just don’t want others to feel any differently about her.
I was warned that I would have an incredibly uncomfortable pregnancy. Those of you who have been pregnant may laugh at that statement. I did too, until I got to about 27 weeks and my comfort took a severe nose dive. Babies with anencephaly often do not have the reflex to swallow the amniotic fluid so it just accumulates in the uterus. By the time Ember was born at 34 weeks I had about 4 times the normal amount of amniotic fluid that women have during a normal pregnancy. They drained 4 liters of fluid from my uterus before she was born and that was after the sac had ruptured. I was growing at a much faster rate which was extremely painful and embarrassing. Yes, I know I was huge. The way I see it is the only thing I will ever be able to do for this sweet child during her time on this earth is to provide her with a body. The only sacrifice I will ever be able to make in her behalf is to carry her and protect her for as long as my body will let me. Do you know what? It was worth every second of pain and discomfort.
Oftentimes women miscarry anencephalic babies very early on. They rarely make it to 20 weeks, and those who do can go into preterm labor at anytime. It is common for the baby to be stillborn or pass away during pregnancy without any warning. When my water broke last week I knew it meant that her time had come to say goodbye. She blessed us with her spunky personality (she was incredibly active during the pregnancy) and I believe the Lord needed her back with Him. She was born at 9:50 am and was with us for just over an hour. We all had time to see her, hold her, tell her how much we love her and kiss her goodbye. She has already taught me so much and I know she will continue to teach me throughout my life. I feel so lucky to be her mom. I know she is an incredible person and I can’t wait to see her again and learn more about who she is.
I will continue to post some more things about her as time goes on and I feel ready. I really appreciate the love and respect that others have shown to us. I know that people might have more questions and I am open to those, just please email me at michellemasias@yahoo.com.
On October 13 I had my 20 week ultrasound. Sheldon was still deployed to the Middle East, so my parents drove up to be with me for what we thought would be a day of happiness and celebration. The ultrasound was amazing. We were able to see little Ember move around and her little heart beating. I was so excited to find out we were having a girl. I was even able to receive a phone call from Sheldon after the ultrasound to let him know we were having a girl and that everything seemed fine. The only problem was that they had said that the doctor wanted to have a consult with me after the ultrasound. I brushed this off and assumed it was because I was high risk. Sheldon, however, was immediately concerned when I told him I was having a consult. He was right to be concerned.
After my call with Sheldon we were taken (my parents and I) to a consult room where the doctor explained to me that during the ultrasound they had seen that the baby has a neural tube defect called “anencephaly.” I had never heard of it, but my mom had given her nursing background. They had to describe to me that early on in the pregnancy her brain and scalp hadn’t developed completely and that babies with this condition cannot survive outside of the womb. Obviously I was devastated. I can easily say that was the worst moment of my life. There are really no words to describe my shock and sadness. I had been feeling her move for weeks. I had earlier ultrasounds in which everything had seemed fine. We had announced our pregnancy to all our family and friends. This was my baby. My precious baby we tried to conceive for 18 months. I had been extremely bonded with her from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t imagine losing her. I couldn’t imagine that there was anything wrong with her.
The next step was to tell Sheldon. I can honestly say I do not think I could have made it through my pregnancy with Ember had it not been for Sheldon’s unwavering faith and strength. I hated having to tell him the news over the phone while he was on the other side of the world. His reaction was sadness, but also a calming peace. We were able to work with the Red Cross to bring him home early from his deployment. He was with me within the next 48 hours. I have a much greater appreciation for the Red Cross since this experience. I found the people that work for them are incredibly compassionate, helpful and professional.
We had to decide if we were going to continue the pregnancy or terminate it. I tried to consider both options, but really never seriously considered terminating. I knew that if at any time my health were at risk I would be induced. I just knew that termination was not for me. I wanted as much time with my baby as I could get regardless of any complications or discomfort I would feel during the pregnancy. I knew that no matter what she looked like, or the health problems she had I loved her the same and could not treat her or the pregnancy any different than I otherwise would. That was the easiest and best choice I could have ever made. Very few people have questioned my decision to carry her full term and I am grateful for the respect that others have shown to me.
We made the decision to keep the details surrounding Ember’s health just within a small circle of people. I never thought I would be a private person, but this experience has shown me that some things are too personal to share publicly. I also knew that telling people about Ember would make them sad and uncomfortable. It is a horrible feeling to know that your reality has negatively affected someone else’s day. People usually didn’t know how to react or what to say, and I just wanted to avoid the awkwardness. I also think I wanted to protect Ember from any sort of judgment she might receive from those who might Google anencephaly. It is a disfiguring condition and I just didn’t want people to see my baby with that in mind. To me she is normal and beautiful and perfect and I just don’t want others to feel any differently about her.
I was warned that I would have an incredibly uncomfortable pregnancy. Those of you who have been pregnant may laugh at that statement. I did too, until I got to about 27 weeks and my comfort took a severe nose dive. Babies with anencephaly often do not have the reflex to swallow the amniotic fluid so it just accumulates in the uterus. By the time Ember was born at 34 weeks I had about 4 times the normal amount of amniotic fluid that women have during a normal pregnancy. They drained 4 liters of fluid from my uterus before she was born and that was after the sac had ruptured. I was growing at a much faster rate which was extremely painful and embarrassing. Yes, I know I was huge. The way I see it is the only thing I will ever be able to do for this sweet child during her time on this earth is to provide her with a body. The only sacrifice I will ever be able to make in her behalf is to carry her and protect her for as long as my body will let me. Do you know what? It was worth every second of pain and discomfort.
Oftentimes women miscarry anencephalic babies very early on. They rarely make it to 20 weeks, and those who do can go into preterm labor at anytime. It is common for the baby to be stillborn or pass away during pregnancy without any warning. When my water broke last week I knew it meant that her time had come to say goodbye. She blessed us with her spunky personality (she was incredibly active during the pregnancy) and I believe the Lord needed her back with Him. She was born at 9:50 am and was with us for just over an hour. We all had time to see her, hold her, tell her how much we love her and kiss her goodbye. She has already taught me so much and I know she will continue to teach me throughout my life. I feel so lucky to be her mom. I know she is an incredible person and I can’t wait to see her again and learn more about who she is.
I will continue to post some more things about her as time goes on and I feel ready. I really appreciate the love and respect that others have shown to us. I know that people might have more questions and I am open to those, just please email me at michellemasias@yahoo.com.
20 January 2012
Ember Ruth Masias
We had our beautiful baby girl, Ember Ruth Masias, this morning. We were able to spend a few peaceful and happy moments with her before she was called back to the arms of our Heavenly Father. Asher was able to give his precious baby sister a kiss good bye and our family feels blessed to know that we will see her again some day.
I will post more details later, but also want to say that the love and support we have received over the past few months has been an incredible blessing. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we begin our journey toward healing.
I will post more details later, but also want to say that the love and support we have received over the past few months has been an incredible blessing. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we begin our journey toward healing.
11 October 2011
Fan-dash-tastic
Time to announce one of my guilty pleasures. And I hope this doesn't disappoint any of you, but I'm sure it will. I just love the Kardashians! I watched the wedding episode and I was totally loving it. And Rob is the only reason why I watch DWTS.
So if you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians please tell me, which sister are you most Ike? I'm either Khloe or Kourtney. I can't decide.
Also, we have our 20 week ultrasound on Thursday! My parents are coming up to go with me and I'm so excited! It will be nice not to feel like a single mom on the occasion.
So if you watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians please tell me, which sister are you most Ike? I'm either Khloe or Kourtney. I can't decide.
Also, we have our 20 week ultrasound on Thursday! My parents are coming up to go with me and I'm so excited! It will be nice not to feel like a single mom on the occasion.
09 October 2011
Comic Relief
Being fairly recently potty-trained Asher is just now starting to put his underwear back by himself after he has taken care business. Hallelujah! Sometimes he tucks his shirt into his underwear and walks around the house like "What? Doesn't everyone do this?" I try not to react to it because I don't want him to stop getting himself dressed but seriously it is so funny.
Mother of the Year...
I promise I'm not angry at the world right now. I have just had one of those weeks where tons of random crappy stuff happens. I know you know what I'm talking about.
Have you or your kids had the spray flu vaccine? I haven't had it, but this year Asher's doctor recommended it for him. I thought it was a great alternative to the shot. Well, curse me for being an uneducated mother of a patient because I found out later it is a live virus and there is a higher chance of having a reaction. And boy did he react. Yesterday at Costco his nose started running like a faucet. And he kept saying his legs hurt. I thought it was the cart hurting his legs so I put him in the big part of the cart. He didn't say anything else about it so I totally forgot about it. Then as soon as we got home he went straight to his room and laid on the floor. The boy never voluntarily goes to bed so that was a little strange. I put him in his bed and turned of the light so he could take a nap. Then about an hour later he woke up screaming bloody murder about his legs hurting. When I picked him up he was super hot. Obviously the kid was burning up with fever. So, I gave him some Tylenol and took his temp. Before the night was over he was at 103.6 degrees. What the crap?! I threw the kid in a cool bath (much to his displeasure) and applied cool compresses, etc. If it got any higher I decided he needed to go to the ER. Well, luckily I got it down to 101 before he went to bed. He got to Skype with his dad which calmed him down a lot, but I've never seen him so miserable. And the kid broke his leg last year so I've seen him uncomfortable, but this was ridiculous.
I woke him up at night to give him more Tylenol and take his temp which had dropped to 100. He has hovered between 100 and 101 today so I'm not super worried. Obviously if it starts going up again I will take him in. I just avoid the ER at all costs. All ERs are a nightmare I'm sure, but the one on the Army base is nothing like I've ever experienced. Kinda reminds me of the hospital in the show ER. But, that's a separate post.
I wanted to vent about what a nightmare the last 24 hours have been, but also let people know that the spray comes with it's risks. So, unlike what I did, please know what you could be getting into before you get into it.
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