The Empty Blanket

So obviously I am having a mix of good and bad days. I am grateful that the good days so far have greatly outnumbered the bad. However, Friday was a bad day. Sunday was a bad day. Friday I think I was more emotional because Ember would have been one week old. Thinking about how things would be different had she lived really makes me sad. Clearly my life post partum has been completely opposite from when I had Asher. I never thought a quick recovery would make me feel guilty but it does. I know that if I were caring for a newborn on top of recovering from a c section I would be much more tired than I am. But my heart is aching for the midnight feedings, the cute little outfits, the precious newborn baths, the happy visits from friends and family. I never heard my baby cry. I wonder what her cry would have sounded like?

I don't know what prompted my emotion on Sunday. I didn't go to church. I am not physically ready, but also not yet emotionally ready to confront people and deal with questions or even looks of compassion. All I can say to express how I felt yesterday is that I MISS MY BABY. I miss her. I miss her so much I literally can hardly breath sometimes. It just feels wrong. Not in the eternal sense. I know there is a plan. But to have been pregnant with her for 8 months, to have delivered her and then held her in my arms and now NOT to have her with me feels unnatural. I guess because it is. I should have her with me right now. In the literal sense. Last night I just held the blanket we had her wrapped in while she was with us and I just cried. I examined the blanket for any sign that she had ever used it and I couldn't find anything. (I know that seems weird but I couldn't help myself.) She is gone. All I have is the empty blanket and my memories, which I cherish but it just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. I tried to cry quietly, but apparently that is impossible for me. Sheldon heard and found me upstairs crying next to the empty blanket. The poor guy did not know what to do. He folded up the blanket and put it away and sat down next to me where the blanket had been. That kind of annoyed me, but also gave me a sense of relief. He is really good at letting me cry and also letting me know he is here for me. I am very grateful to have Sheldon for a companion. His awkward presence was humorous and through the tears I said, "You don't know what to do, do you?" We both kind of laughed and it made me feel better. Honestly, there is really nothing that can be done. No amount of hugs or words can take the hurt away. I will still feel it and I will still mourn. But, knowing that he cares and wants to be there for me was all I needed from him in that moment.

I explained to him that there are times when my faith in God and His plan is enough to cover the pain, but last night it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to know that she will always be a part of our family. It wasn't enough to know that we will see her again. That everything happens for a reason. The pain just crept around that knowledge and settled its way in my heart to the point where I could not contain it. I just want her here with us right now and the fact that she isn't just leaves a hole in my life. I know that it will get easier with time, but right now it is not easy.

I could have recorded these feelings on a private blog I created for Ember back in October. But, I wanted to share them. I guess I want people to know what I am experiencing. I feel better today. I feel the same peaceful comfort that I have been relying on for the past week. It is an unexplainable feeling of comfort, but I know with out a doubt that it is the Holy Ghost comforting me because God loves me and because there are people praying for me. So, please don't stop. I really need the prayers because I really need the peace.